» health category
Today, I decided to go green by using a leaf to wipe my butt after pooping. In return I received poison oak on my anus. FML
by Jazzercise45 — health
Today, as I was shaving in the shower in preparation for date night with my husband, he thought it would be funny to sneak up and scare me. I had plenty of ideas for how to spend our first date night in six months, but swabbing a bleeding armpit wasn't one of them. FML
by Inthepits — health
Today, I'm six months pregnant, and EVERY single time I sneeze I piss all over myself. FML
by heathsmither — health
Today, I spent 7 hours in the emergency room because of high blood pressure, headaches and having trouble breathing. My doctor also said that I have an irregular heart beat. So after 7 hours my doctor sent me home because according to him, "We have no idea how to help you." FML
by Joey — health
Today, I was diagnosed with depression. It just makes me more depressed. FML
by sucks — health
Today, I popped a pimple before I went to work. On my lunch, I found a new pimple just under the previous one. I'm playing whac-a-mole with my face. FML
by TooOldForThis — health
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
by human torch — health
Today, I went in for a doctors appointment. When I got on the scale, I was really excited to see that I'd lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the gym. The doctor then severely lectured me on the fact that I had gained twenty since my visit last year. FML
by Betty — health
Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML
by Ouch — health
Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML
by patrick — health
Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML
by liu_kang — health
Today, I had four teeth pulled, and my mom brought me some ice cream to help with the pain. I fell asleep before I could finish it, and without realising, I left the bowl on my bed. I woke up a few hours later with ice cream spilled all over me, my pants, and all over my now-dead phone. FML
by hkkilla — health
Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML
by pizzaface — health
Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML
by bobby — health
Today, I followed an acne treatment. It was only after I'd finished the treatment that I read the bottom line, stating "Do not scrub your face". I only had one pimple to start with, now it looks like I sandpapered my face. FML
by Painfulfaceforme — health
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